Is it acceptable for my husband excessively text a female friend? Should there be boundaries established?
I would like to hear responses from women who do not have insecurity or jealousy issues. I would like to hear from women who are confident and secure in themselves…I feel that this way i will get a more rational response. No offense to those who are jealous and insecure, i just feel the responses will be more emotional.
My husband has been texting a female friend from his job excessively. By excessive i mean all day, throughout the day, every day. Not one day has gone by that they dont text since they’ve been friends (they’ve known each other for a long time because they were hired together about 5 years ago, but they’ve only been actual friends and have been texting since my husband moved to the same company district as hers–which has been since this August). I dont know if anyone else would define it as excessive, but to my standards I believe it is excessive.
It has become an issue with me because i believe that as a married couple, there are unwritten rules and appropriately established boundaries that should be followed when interacting with someone of the opposite sex. I have addressed this issue with my husband and have explained that it is inappropriate to text her on a constant and daily basis. every now and then is fine, but he cant go a day without texting her. He sees it as me being jealous and insecure. In addition I don’t know his female friend very well, she is married and has her own children, i have met her and we have done couple’s activities with her and her husband a few times. But my whole issue is boundaries and i feel that it is his responsibility to clearly draw the line and established appropriate boundaries with her when it comes to texting.
Lastly, me and my husband had a huge blowout just a couple of days ago because i had his phone and she text him (this was in the morning). I looked at the text and it was a page, she paged him with her number…when i confronted him he acted like he didnt know. instinctively i knew that the page was a code for something else…I finally got the truth out of him and he said she pages him in the morning and at night as a way to say good morning and goodnight…she does this everyday. Is this appropriate? am i being irrational and crazy to ask him to limit his texting within appropriate bounds? Why does his female friend feel the need to text page him every morning and every night? What i think about is what is missing in her life that she has to get my husbands attention?
Im confused and frustrated, because im being portrayed as a jealous crazy person, when i am none of those things. I have a lot going for myself and I am confident in what i have to offer, I am a professional and i dont feel that his female friend is a threat to me. She cant compare to me. But i just need to hear from someone who gets what i am trying to say? any comments? suggestions? any form of support would help as well.
thank you
In any relationship, there need to be boundaries. I don’t think you’re nuts or being irrational. This issue is important to you, therefore it should be important to him. Instead, he’s manipulating the situation by making it your problem by belittling you and taking the focus off of what he’s doing. I wonder what her husband thinks of all the texting. Just out of curiosity, how are they together when you’ve seen them together? In my own personal opinion, it sounds excessive. You didn’t tell him to stop texting all together. It sounds like you’re trying to be fair about it all. You’re a stable, adult who deserves the utmost respect.
WordsWorth_01 | Nov 01, 2009
You have already proven that you are a jealous crazy person. He is screwing her, do something or shut up about it.
txjeepn | Nov 01, 2009
RIGHT..
NO.
No matter what people say it ALLLLWAYS develops into an affair or him liking her etc whatever way..
why is he texting her when he could be hanging with you?
Me thinks you need to tell him enough is enough he’s had his fun etc but now it’s getting silly.
I found out my man was texting another girl when his phone went and i looked and saw some texts with "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" at the end.. i decided to pretend to be him get sufficient info and then threaten her … but i don’t think you shud do that unless you got balls to do stuff like that?
gd luck
HannahHEARTBREAK | Nov 01, 2009
Not only is this man having inappropriate interactions with this woman, he’s claiming you’re crazy for noticing.
I didn’t think it was too serious until you mentioned the " code" morning and night texts that she’s doing. Then, you said when you confronted him, he lied at first.
Honey, I AM insecure for the most part, and I don’t have this issue with my hubby ( and he works with a few woman). I’m telling you, it’s WAY inappropriate.
Confront him again. Explain to him that you feel he’s being inappropriate and no longer is it about what he thinks. If he cared about your feelings and your marriage, he’d stop interacting with her this way at all costs. This is very dangerous and he needs to stop.
I’d seriously think about contacting this womans’ husband, and see how he feels about this. I doubt he’d feel their interaction is inappropriate as well.
She is not just contacting him for attention- she’s reciprocating an advance that your husband has made.. this is a two way street honey.
Hisamazingwife | Nov 01, 2009
Let me preface my answer by saying that I have no insecurities; I do not feel threatened by women and my marriage is solid without any jealousy or drama.
I believe that what you have described borders on inappropriate and almost disrespectful to you. I am sorry….but my husband will have a lot more respect for me than to continuously text someone he works with, especially in codes.
It is time for more talk with your husband and setting some boundaries on what is acceptable in his intereaction with anyone. When he is doing something that causes discord in the housheold, he needs to check himself.
Edit:
Just want to say that suggestion by poster Hisamazingwife of telling her husband IS inappropriate. Please don’t add unnecessary drama into the mix. Handle this with grace and dignity.
Jordan M | Nov 01, 2009
Well, he obviously doesn’t respect you. I dont believe normal friendship when they are excessively texting each other everyday. If it were my husband, i would smash his phone already.
Ly Nguyen | Nov 01, 2009
Follow your gut feeling (intuition). If you feel uncomfortable then i would question it and from reading your post, it does. Its not bad for men to have friends of the opposite sex but all that unnecessary texting and codes would raise an eyebrow. Talk to him about it and let him know how you really feel hopefully he loves you enough to change that behavior.
kwekious | Nov 01, 2009
question:
1) no
2)yes
3)no
4)no
5)insecurity or hoping he’ll leave you soon and is ready to take over.
6)she only has 1 person to compete with, maybe. w/other guys there maybe 3 or 4.
7)comments? your husband is encouraging her by responding to the texts. if he stops, she’ll eventually stop.
8)suggestions? don’t give an ultimatum your not prepared to follow through with. there pointless and get you more frustrated.
urbaby | Nov 01, 2009
Her needing to say good morning and goodnight to him in code says loud and clear they’ve talked about you not liking the amount of texting between them and she’s choosing to deceive you rather than respect your wish for them to cut it out. It says there is something amiss in her marriage. She probably has a crush on your hubby. If I were you I’d insist on getting this dealt with because her behavior is definitely inappropriate.
Jemma | Nov 01, 2009
Let’s get right down to it I don’t think that your jealous or crazy,there is Absolutely no reason for your husband to receive texts from this woman like that, it is disrespectful and you should put your foot down.Just flip it on your husband for ex# ask him how would he feel if a man was texting you all day and night I guarantee he will check the situation,don’t feel as if your wrong cause woman to woman I would feel the exact same way that you do.Stand your grounds and for the woman who keeps being disrespectful you should be ashamed of yourself, what could you possibly be trying to say outside of work,get a man of your own,I can bet my bottom dollar that if the shoe was on the other foot you would flip the script!!Honey you let that man of yours know that this is unacceptable and that he needs to respect your feelings!! Keep your head up
Ebbs | Nov 01, 2009
Ok. short and to the point, If they haven’t already gotten together they soon will be.
You have every right to be upset. And for him to tell you that you are crazy is an insult to you.
I have been married for 32 years and only once was I jealous, but that was because I was so young and pregnant.
I would demand that he stop all communications with her, their behavior is totally wrong. and disrespectful to you and your marriage.
He is the crazy one if he thinks that you believe that nothing is going on.
Good Luck. He is an A**
grammie | Nov 01, 2009
It is upsetting to you that your husband is texting a female friend of his, whether or not you are jealous or you don’t want to come across sounding insecure or crazy is irrelevant. You feel the way you do, end of story and you have every right to feel the way you do. It does not matter what it sounds to other people like because others do not walk in your shoes. So, without judgement, if you do feel jealous, lets identify your true feelings and that is okay because you are human. With that being said, if it bothers you, I would talk to him about it and find out where he is at. I would not come to him in an accusing way. Simply state that you love him and you are concerned with his emails to another woman. Ask him if this is something you should be worried about because it bothers you but only because you love him. Tell him in your approach that you just want to discuss it and find out where he is at and where you are at. If it still really really bothers you, I would tell him I am very jealous, I don’t want you to communicate with her. You could suggest that you guys come to an agreement. Be honest with your feelings. If he says that he will not stop communicating to her, let him know that you need validation from him that he loves you. Then you have to decide weather you can accept it or not.
Good luck, but the best thing is to identify your feelings, approach the situation delicately with him and make sure you clearly articulate what exactly bothers you and end on a good note that you can both be satisfied with.
Tanja | Nov 01, 2009
yes it is excessive ,jealous or no jealous normal person should know that it is excess.if it is once in a while it will be understandable ,but on the everyday basis ,no it is not good .why not make it straight and confronte the lady not in a harsh way rather in a friendly manner ..and see if things will take a better shape from there .and also continue to let ur husband know that u do not like it at all .
beebee | Nov 01, 2009
Totally inappropriate on his part. As a person who texts a lot due to very poor cellular service (a text only requires instants of service to send a message while the reception is so bad my calls drop even before I am done dialing in the same conditions), and as someone who has had a multiple-times-every-day texting friendship with someone I collaborated with professionally, what they are doing is intimate.
A friendship would mean there are no codes for anything- because she would never have any cause for alarm if you or her husband happened to accidentally see the message. It would probably mean she would be interested in befriending you as well, because when things are not romantic, three is not a crowd. It also would make me very uncomfortable to know another woman close to my husband fell asleep and woke up longing to hear from him. This thing is a romantic relationship, regardless of if it has become a physical affair yet. Sorry to say, though, I think what your gut is telling you is correct.
kellamnity | Nov 01, 2009
This is not about you feeling jealousy but about your husband showing you respect and him treating you the way he would want to be treated.
I am sure that if this situation for him was on the other foot he would not like it.
This is only my opinion and I may be wrong but it appears that your husband is enjoying the attention that this woman is giving him and making excuses that nothing is wrong here for it to continue for himself.
You are right about not knowing what this woman’s true intentions are where your husband is concerned?
She evidently is missing something in her own marriage to be contacting your husband on an everyday basis when she has her own family to contend with.
When your husband tells you that you are jealous and insecure he is not wanting to see how this is starting to get out of hand and not considering how this is making you feel.
Some men just do not get it until another woman puts him in a trick bag then all they can tell you afterwards is that they are sorry when something goes to far or gets out of hand?
By then they only give you 2 choices and that is to forgive them or walk out of the relationship.
Most women by nature are very territorial when it comes to the men they love and we are pretty smart when it comes to knowing when something is going on with a situation often before they do.
At this point it is about your life and the emotions and feelings that you have invested in with your husband and marriage.
If this situation were happening to me I would not care that my husband thought to tell me that I was jealous or not.
I would tell him that I was uncomfortable with it and ask him to stop because I do not like it anymore and that would be my bottom line.
It does not matter why or how he feels about it or she feels about it because the most important person here in your husband’s life should be you.
A normal woman in a good marriage would not feel the need to text another woman’s husband every morning and every night.
You are not a jealous and crazy person and do not allow your husband to play these mind games with you.
carol | Nov 01, 2009
First off, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is heart breaking, and a test of your resolve and self-worth. I read an article lately that came to mind when I read your question. It was in a religious magazine, but I think it is universal in its ideas. Fidelity is not just physical, it is also spiritual and emotional. He is emotionally cheating on you. Bottom line.
"Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact
